Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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