do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
