So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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