Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Randomize
