I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
