my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
