Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
