My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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