If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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