i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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