I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
