The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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