I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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