I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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