I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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