She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
