Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
sex in a hospital.. check
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
