Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
