Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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