nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Still dying that you shit outside
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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