you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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