so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I think I just sharted jello shots
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