just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
she told me i tasted like america
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
