i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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