I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
