I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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