glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
