I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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