... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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