Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
