my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
