got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
