Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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