If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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