We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
