How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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