Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
