We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
