she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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