Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
