I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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