i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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