....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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