Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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