not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
