I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
