got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
