Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
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