I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
