I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
false alarm. still invincible.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Randomize
